so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
