it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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