The beer is more important than you right now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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