omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
