i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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