I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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