Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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