Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
