Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
