he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
