I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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