Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
