I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
