...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
