"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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