dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
