I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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