I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
