Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
