I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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