Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
