Can i not drive my cunt home
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
