How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
