What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
