My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
