did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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