Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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