They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
