If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
