You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
