You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sext me about skeletons
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
