I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
