When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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