my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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