I want to have your abortion
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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