??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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