At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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