Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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