I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
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So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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