3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
