Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
