I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
