can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
