the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She even gives head with a lisp.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
