Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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