you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
