my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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