my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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