and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
