genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
