In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
