omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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