I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
