Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
