five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
