Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
