i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
