U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
