I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
