Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
